


Between Gemini and Leo

by invisiblehabits



Category: Alice Nine, BVCCI HAYNES, Jrock, SID (band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, alternative universe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-27
Updated: 2011-12-27
Packaged: 2018-04-11 01:21:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,344
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4415618
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/invisiblehabits/pseuds/invisiblehabits
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Some people say cancer is a gift</p>
            </blockquote>





	Between Gemini and Leo

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Musicalmimicry](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Musicalmimicry/gifts).



> This was originally a birthday present for Aki, aka Musicalmimicry, so it gets to be gifted to her again.

The first time he saw Aki he was walking down the slushy streets of winter Tokyo. Snow was rare and far between and when it did fall it mostly ended up a sluggish mess of brown and grey wetness. Hiroto liked bright white covers of snow, trees glistening with pure fluffiness, and big flakes slowly dancing towards the ground. But he only ever got this. Sighing he pulled a drenched shoe from the slush and took another step, hit a frozen spot and immediately slipped. For a second he was convinced he'd end up seated in the mess, but somehow he managed to catch himself against the wall, scraped his fingers and made the shocked gasp turn into a slight whimper of pain.

“You okay?” someone asked behind him and from the corner of his eyes Hiroto saw someone putting an arm behind him, preventing him from falling further.

“Yeah, yeah, I just slipped on the ice,” he said and made sure he had proper footing before turning around. Looking up he nearly gulped at the sheer prettiness of the friendly stranger.

“Yeah, it's ridiculously slippery now,” the tall man, probably a few years older than Hiroto himself, agreed. “I hope this snow disappears quickly, I'm tired of it.”

He looked so out of place in this part of town, far from the neon vibrant center and colourful masses of Harajuku and Shibuya, where his stunning looks and glittering piercings would fit in perfectly. To Hiroto, the stranger looked like some kind of model or musician, far too glamorous to appear on a backstreet just around the corner from his own ratty flat.

“You don't like snow?” he asked, partly out of curiosity and partly to distract himself from the way light from the blinking street lamp caught in silver jewellery.

“Of course I do,” the other replied immediately. “But this isn't snow, this is... I don't know, some poor excuse for it.”

Hiroto giggled at that, desperately trying to choke it down, covering his mouth with both hands in hopes he wouldn't seem too rude. The fact he probably looked like an overgrown eight-year-old never crossed his mind. It didn't seem to bother his companion at least.

“I'm Aki, by the way,” he continued and made a two-fingered salute from a studded eyebrow.

“Hiroto,” he introduced himself and bit his lower lip, trying not to develop an immediate crush on a total stranger. There was no such thing as love at first sight, no matter how nice the thought seemed Hiroto wasn't that naive, but this Aki was so gorgeous he almost changed his mind. “Do you live around here?”

The question slipped out before he had time to think and Hiroto flushed, blood heating frostbitten cheeks and making the pink hue even darker. Luckily Aki didn't seem to mind the rather intimate question, intimate at least when coming from someone he'd know for approximately three minutes. He just smiled that infectious grin of his and nodded, pointed over Hiroto’s shoulder.

“Just around the corner, down there,” he said and sadly indicated the other direction from Hiroto’s own apartment. “Moved in about a month ago.”

“Oh,” Hiroto nodded enthusiastically. “I live just down that way, but I haven't seen you before. Guess the short time span explains it.”

He stopped himself just before blurting out ‘I would've remember someone like you’, but it was almost as if Aki heard the words. It was a ridiculous thought of course, but Hiroto didn't know how to otherwise interpret the amused look he received. Aki had a way of looking at him that made him weak in the knees and brought flushes to his face, and he knew he needed to get over that; people like Aki, gorgeous perfect people with attitude and confidence, didn't get interested in people like Hiroto.

“Well now that we've met I bet we'll see each other more often,” the taller said. “I could use a friend, don't have a lot of people to hang out with.”

Somehow that was hard to believe, but Hiroto was not about to reject an opportunity flat out shoving itself in his face. If anyone needed friends, people to hang out with, it was him. “I hope so,” he agreed and smiled brightly. “I can be a bit...vacant,” he giggled and Aki joined in, “but if you see me just call out, okay?”

“Will do,” the other promised. “Though I might pester you about what goes on in that dreamy head of yours then, just saying.”

Hiroto snorted softly, but Aki looked genuinely amused, curious, and no matter how he tried he couldn't catch the butterflies that suddenly escaped and fluttered around in his stomach. “I doubt you'd find it interesting though, but sure,” he murmured.

“Let me be the judge of that,” Aki said and finally removed his arm from the wall, pushed himself back into a full stand rather than a slouched. “I get the feeling you belittle yourself Hiroto.”

It was hard to tell whether the blush springing back to the innocent face was due to indignation or embarrassment, but it was painfully obvious Aki had struck a nerve. Hiroto had never had the best of self-esteem, always the smallest, constantly picked on to the point where he somehow began to almost pick on himself. He wasn't exactly proud of it but it'd become a defence mechanism of sorts, strike first, prove you don't think all that much of yourself and hope others thereby leave you alone. Sadly they had, to the point where Hiroto didn't have a whole lot of people left in his life at all...

Looking up he was sad to see Aki had already disappeared around the corner and Hiroto vehemently fought the voice trying to tell him the other had wanted to get away as soon as possible. Aki seemed nice, genuinely nice and friendly, not at all the kind of person who would say one thing and walk away thinking something else. But then, how was Hiroto supposed to judge the character of someone he'd met five minutes ago? Sighing softly he tried to push the lonely feeling in his chest aside and turned the opposite direction he now knew Aki lived, headed towards his own flat and a desperately needed cup of steaming hot tea.

\- - -

“Hiroto? Hey, Hiroto!”

Hiroto turned around and tried to locate the person calling out for him. He didn't really know anyone in this part of town, so it surprised him someone would want his attention. Truth be told Hiroto didn't know a lot of people period. He'd lost contact with most of his childhood friends, and the ones who still called or texted every now and then lived almost on the opposite side of town. His family did too and he was under the impression they considered him something of the black sheep after he chose to study literature rather than business or accounting or something responsible like that. They were still talking, only not that often, and Hiroto was very aware of how his brother had the good job and a house he owned, the pretty wife and children to perfect the image.

In many ways it seemed unfair, his brother was nearly ten years older than him and had been encouraged to follow his dreams. Convenient, as he wanted to become a businessman and make money. Hiroto was proud of his brother, of course, and was happy he could do the things he wanted to do. But there was some small part of him that wished their parents would be as accepting about his own dreams as well.

“Over here,” was said on a giggle and Hiroto finally spotted Aki walking over. “Wow, apparently you're both vacant and half-blind.”

The dark thoughts gathering at the back of his neck immediately vaporised when Aki smiled at him. Hiroto smiled back and tried not to blush, something he seemed to do an awful lot around the pretty man, but Aki was like an instant happy pill and he was not about to object.

“Hello, sorry, I didn't see you,” he rambled out in one breath.

“You didn't expect me to talk to you again, did you?” Aki said, studded eyebrow slightly raised in an all-knowing fashion but warm eyes filled with concern. “You should think more of yourself, you know.”

Protruding teeth bit down on soft flesh and Hiroto blushed deeper, not sure whether to like or hate the way Aki seemed to see straight through him. A car drove by, splashing slush up onto the sidewalk and the side of Hiroto’s shoe, but he barely noticed it, it wasn't like his shoes weren't soaked through already.

“I'm just... kinda used to people not really noticing me,” he admitted softly, for some reason oddly ashamed of his own behaviour, lack of confidence, etc. When no demeaning snorts, belittling words or similar were tossed his way, Hiroto dared to look back up at Aki, not really sure when he'd lowered his eyes.

“That's really sad,” Aki said when their eyes finally met again. “You should make them notice you. Then again, easier said than done I guess.”

As if to make his point he looked around them, at the few people walking on the other side of the street, the woman smoking from her kitchen window two stories above them, the man getting into his car not 10 meters away from them; no one acknowledged their presence in the slightest. It was almost as if the conversation was not taking place, Hiroto thought, as if they weren't even real and therefore couldn't be seen or heard by anyone else.

“Hey, don't give me that devastated look,” Aki said cheerfully. “Fuck people, I see you so that counts for something, right?”

Dragged out of his thoughts, the spiral so easily twirling down down down lately, Hiroto looked up at the other again. Aki was smiling, soft and slightly lopsided, the piercings glittering from whatever light they caught. Again the dark thoughts disappeared as rapidly as they'd arrived, simply from looking at the other.

“It does,” he confirmed. “It counts for a lot actually.”

“Good,” Aki said. “We should hang out, if you want to of course. I'm on my way somewhere right now, but I'm free all weekend.”

“Really?” Hiroto didn't know which surprised him more, that someone like Aki wanted to hang out with him or that he didn't have any plans for the weekend. True he'd said he didn't have too many friends to hang out with, but it was still hard for Hiroto to grasp. “That'd be awesome!”

He didn't realise it himself, but anyone who had known Hiroto when he was younger would've recognised him just then. He was, by nature, a happy, curious, and spontaneous individual, but loneliness and a sort of standstill in life had weighed down on him to the point where he sometimes found it hard to even get out of bed. It was no fun to think he might be depressed, and it certainly wasn't something he wanted to discuss with his family, but the thought had begun to prod at the back of his head. Having someone like Aki, a flashy gorgeous person who looked to be everything Hiroto secretly wanted to become, acknowledge him felt almost too good.

“Sorry,” he mumbled, a slight giggle tinting the words. “I've been feeling rather lonely lately.”

Perhaps it was weird to tell someone you'd just met such a thing, but Aki didn't seem to mind and he was easy to talk to, almost as if they'd known each other for a long time, when really all they'd had were two short meetings on the sidewalk. Hiroto didn't even think about what he admitted, which he would later realise was weird cause he had developed a tendency of second guessing himself, simply blurted it out because he felt like saying it. And Aki didn't seem to mind, he just smiled and nodded slightly.

“I recognise the feeling,” he said. “It sucks, cause you know you should do something but you don't feel up to do anything and we are being so fucking non-Japanese right now, are we not?”

For the first time in a while Hiroto laughed out loud, uninhibited and spontaneously. He nodded and mumbled some kind of agreement, which sparked a conversation about what was acceptable Japanese behaviour and what was not, which parts they agreed to and which felt slightly outdated. Aki didn't remembered he had somewhere to be until Hiroto’s lips had a slightly blue tinge and he was already awfully late. They quickly exchanged phone numbers and promised to get in contact soon before Aki ran off and Hiroto went back home, any reason he'd had for leaving the flat long since forgotten.

\- - -

On Saturday afternoon Hiroto somehow found the confidence to push dial after having entered Aki’s number on his phone. Two signals later he was about to hang up, convinced it had been a bad idea to be the one to call, when the other picked up. It took a grand total of two minutes to decide Aki would come over to Hiroto’s place, things moving swift and natural between them, and an hour later the doorbell buzzed.

Aki looked stylish as ever, jeans clinging to thighs, and what looked like a designer shirt beneath a gorgeous leather jacket. His hair was styled messily, making it look like he didn't really care and for the first time Hiroto realised he wore a little bit of makeup too. It was all completed by accessories Hiroto didn't even know where to buy; bracelets, necklaces, earrings, rings and silver studs in lips and eyebrow. He almost felt like he was inviting a rockstar as he stepped aside and invited Aki to come in.

“I... like what you've done with the place,” Aki said as he took of his shoes, taking the opportunity to glance around the small flat. “All things considered I mean.”

Again it was an open honesty Hiroto wasn't used to, and one he had often missed in his everyday life. His flat was a rat’s nest and everyone knew it, it was no different from any of the other on the same block. Old buildings in vast need of renovation with no one to care or take responsibility, the people living inside too insignificant to argue against those who could do something. But Hiroto had tried to cover up dark spots on the floor with carpets and sitting pillows, holes and water marks in the walls were hidden behind posters and paintings in an odd combination of traditional and hyper modern, and little trinkets mixed with CDs, LPs and books both old and new.

“Thanks,” he said belatedly. “I just... collect things I like.”

“Looks good,” Aki said and sounded genuine. “Personal.”

Turning around in a small circle, as if to take everything in, he finally stopped and looked at Hiroto. “So what do you normally do at home?”

The quick glance towards the TV and the game console in front of it sort of gave him away. He'd saved a long time to be able to buy a PlayStation 3 and every new game was a luxury he probably couldn't afford, but he liked to game and it gave him something to do when friends weren't available.

“I like to game,” he admitted. “I don't have too many, but I like the ones I've got.”

He hadn't even finished the sentence before Aki was over there, picking up games to inspect them, carefully putting them back in their proper place once he was done. Finally he held up one of Hiroto’s favourites.

“I love this,” he said. “Haven't played it in ages though! You up for it?”

Considering the game had barely been out a year Hiroto doubted the statement, but he smiled and nodded. He owned two hand controls, luckily, and they spent the afternoon playing games and talking. He learnt that Aki was born in Tokyo, was an only child with no parents alive, and that he was a few years older than Hiroto himself. When they got hungry Hiroto ordered pizza and they picked at pepperoni and melted cheese with the game on pause, swallowed it down with beer, and actually cleaned up after themselves before continuing. Before they knew it, it was dark outside.

“I should probably head home,” Aki said and paused the game, the third they'd begun. “But I had a great day today.”

“Me too.” Hiroto smiled. “I'm glad you talked to me the other day.”

“So am I.” Aki smiled back at him and it was such a pretty sight Hiroto feared he might blush. He could see himself falling for the ridiculously pretty older man, and he really didn't want to do that. Even in modern times homosexuality was mostly frowned upon and until Aki gave some kind of inclination of being anything but dead straight Hiroto wouldn't want to risk their new friendship.

“We should do this again,” Aki said, then laughed shortly, perhaps realising it sounded like a bad cliche or breakup line. “Sooner rather than later, I really did have fun.”

He looked and sounded genuine and Hiroto nodded. “I have no plans for tomorrow,” he said, more a joke than not. Aki laughed as he got up. They shut off the game, forgot to save but didn't really care. The next day they played more games, ordered Chinese takeout, and talked for hours. Hiroto hadn't had such a great weekend in months.

\- - -

“Can I ask you a very personal question?” Aki asked weeks later. Once again they were curled up on Hiroto’s sofa, a blue knitted blanket tossed over their legs which were almost touching where they sat leaned against an armrest each. Hiroto had been on his way home from work, a boring job at a supermarket where he was supposed to restock the paper and books section, when he'd run into Aki on the street and invited him over for hot cocoa to try and warm up. Winter had struck for real and it was icy cold outside.

“Sure,” Hiroto said and licked a bit of whipped cream from his upper lip. Over the past several weeks Aki had gone from a stranger on the sidewalk to one of the best friends Hiroto had ever had. He felt more comfortable around the older man than he did most of his childhood friends.

“Are you gay?” The normally so confident expression in Aki’s eyes wavered for a minute and then he lowered them altogether, looked far more nervous than Hiroto could remember ever having seen him. It didn't stop the younger man from going pale though, then get slightly dizzy as all the blood rushed back to his head in a furious blush, more than enough confirmation of the statement.

He tried to splutter out some kind of acceptable answer, anything that wouldn't immediately give him away even when he'd already blown his cover horrendously. The whole time Aki sat with his eyes lowered, chewing his lower lip and causing the piercings to clink against his teeth. A loose thread was slowly pulled further and further out of his shirt, leaving the cloth crinkled and imperfect, until Hiroto finally managed to shut himself up, out of poor excuses and bad explanations.

“I am,” Aki whispered then, voice only gaining strength as he continued talking. “And I know you're not supposed to talk about it, but we talk about everything else and....” He took a deep breath. “And I think I kinda like you.”

Complete silence followed the statement. Hiroto stared at the older until Aki raised his gaze and met his eyes. They stared at each other for long moments, Hiroto stunned silent as the very things he'd been hoping were suddenly shoved down his throat. He couldn't even reply properly, just nodded yes in small rapid movements. Aki’s entire face brightened as he smiled, but he didn't move closer and Hiroto wasn't sure if he was thankful or disappointed.

“So... just to clear things up here,” Aki said finally. “You are gay? And you... like me too?”

“Yes,” Hiroto finally managed to spit out, voice not even wavering when he finally found it. “I'm gay, but I didn't dare bring it up since I didn't know if you were, and I didn't want you to disappear cause you got disgusted or something like that, because I do like you.”

A soft giggle was all he heard before Aki softly grasped his hand, lying unsuspiciously on the sofa after he'd managed to put the hot chocolate aside. “Then I think you should breathe, cause I don't want you to pass out.”

His smile was soft but so bright and Hiroto felt all warm and happy inside realising it was meant for him. He even dared to move a little closer, encouraged when Aki tugged him closer still by his hand. Their knees touched and Hiroto felt little tingles travel up the skin on his thigh. He squeezed the fingers intertwined with his and felt the gesture returned. It was all brand new and exciting and he felt a bit like a young teenager out of his depth, only as a teenager he had never been curled up on the couch with another boy, definitely not one so pretty as Aki.

“So what do we do now?” he asked tentatively, figuring he might as well admit to being at a complete loss. “I've never done a whole lot of confessing, dating, or boyfriends.”

Aki’s head tilted to the side slightly. “How come?”

Hiroto bit his lip, the same annoying habit he'd had his entire life, and lowered his eyes. He still felt Aki’s fingers between his own and the older tugged on his hand softly as he spoke again, “It's okay, you don't have to tell me.”

“I never really... came out of the closet,” Hiroto explained still, talking even with the offer of staying silent. “I've known I'm gay for years, never really looked at girls at all, but I never met anyone who made me take the step.”

It was true but probably not the entire truth, and definitely not as bad as it might sound. Hiroto hadn't looked for a boyfriend in his teens, content with friendships and having fun without getting intimate or into relationships. He had no idea what his parents thought about homosexuality, it had never been a topic in their house, but several of his high school friends had openly scorned gay people when the subject came up. In so many ways it had just seemed easier to not state that he too preferred boys over girls.

“No one knows?” Aki asked, head still slightly tilted and a look of worry in his eyes. Hiroto almost blushed, not from embarrassment but from happiness, at seeing such care directed at him.

“I have a few gay friends,” he admitted. “People I met as I grew up, started going out on my own. I am gay, I know I am and accept it. I just haven't had a reason to go public with it.”

“It's not easy, I know,” Aki admitted. “I don't exactly flaunt it either. We can just take it easy you know, I don't mind.”

Hiroto smiled and scooted a little bit closer, not feeling the need to reply beyond a content sigh as he leaned back against the couch. Aki copied his action and they sat cuddled close, knees and shoulders brushing and with their fingers still entwined on top of the blanket. It was nice, as relaxed and easygoing as every time they hung out, only exciting in a whole new way now that Hiroto knew Aki shared his budding feelings. He felt giddy and overwhelmed, yet much too relaxed to move from his spot, the thought he probably had a boyfriend now a bit too grand to fully take in just yet.

\- - -

He did have a boyfriend and a perfect one to that. Aki kissed him on the cheek as he went home that first night, a seemingly innocent gesture turned so much more with the confessions shared. It took them nearly two weeks to share a proper kiss, and when they did it wasn't perfect because they were nervous and tense, but it didn't feel awkward afterwards. They simply laughed and tried again, enjoying and exploring as they learnt how the other felt and tasted.

Early on they made the decision to keep a low profile, meaning for example they didn't go on dates. It should've been boring, but it never was. They cooked dinner together, watched movies, and played video games. Sometimes they sat curled up for hours just talking and touching innocently. Half the time Aki ended up spending the night, even when they hardly ever made plans for it, and it was equally amazing each time, because what Hiroto loved the most was waking up next to his boyfriend.

“Do you have a headache again?” Aki asked one such morning. Hiroto groaned and nodded slightly.

“It's not too bad though,” he assured, sort of amazed by the fact Aki had even noticed. “Kick me out of bed and I'll go have a shower, I’m sure that'll help. It's probably just tension.”

Aki gave him a soft kiss and nudged him to the edge of the bed. He still looked slightly worried, but Hiroto just smiled at him and got up reluctantly. More than anything he wanted to just stay in bed and cuddle, but he really hated having a headache and hoped to cure it before it got worse. To be honest he hadn't been too stressed lately, work being dull as ever but with his private life being on top he hardly even noticed as soon as he was allowed to leave.

Stripping out of the boxers he wore to bed Hiroto relieved his bladder before popping a painkiller and hopping into the shower. Turning the temperature to just below scalding he stepped under the spray, bent his head down and hoped the water would loosen up his shoulders and ease the headache. It sort of worked, even if the joints popped and his muscles skipped beneath the skin as he tried to rolls his shoulders. At least it did until the bathroom door opened behind his back and Hiroto’s entire posture stiffened in surprised semi shock.

“Baby?” Aki asked from the door, not stepping fully into the room and eyes lowered modestly. “Are you feeling better?”

Steam made the room misty and fogged over the mirror above the basin. Hiroto stared through it, unconsciously licked his lips as he couldn't quite make out Aki’s unclad upper body over the distance. He knew what it looked like though, even when he hadn't seen too much of it in daylight he had most definitely felt it up at night before they fell asleep.

“Yeah,” he mumbled distractedly. “Definitely getting there at least.”

“Do you want me to massage your shoulders for you a bit?” Aki asked softly, still not crossing the threshold or looking up. Weeks and weeks later they still hadn't gone beyond kissing and touching, pretty serious touching but they still wore clothes to bed. Hiroto seriously considered declining, feeling shy and insecure all over again though he had no idea why, it wasn't like he was unfamiliar with sex or intimacy.

“Okay,” he said, much to his own surprise. “Just let me wash my hair.”

Aki glanced up briefly, probably trying to be sneaky about it but Hiroto caught him peeking, and nodded. He didn't say anything as he turned around and went back to the bedroom, leaving Hiroto to wash himself quickly. Suddenly the idea of hot water wasn't as appealing as the idea of warm fingers trying to loosen up the stiffness in his neck.

\- - -

As it turned out those fingers caused more stiffness than they eased. Lying on his stomach with Aki straddling his lower back Hiroto didn’t know if he wanted to openly moan in pleasure or die from embarrassment. Aki was a good kneader, easily finding the sore spots and untangling the muscle knots, but his warm hands were having other effects as well.

“Feeling any better?” Aki asked, voice low in the silent room, words spoken in an almost intimate way. Or so it sounded to Hiroto who mumbled some kind of affirmative. Aki giggled. “Are you falling asleep on me? You only just got out of bed.”

A light blush crawled up Hiroto’s neck and cheeks. “No, I'm feelings quite... aroused.”

It was a very deliberate choice of word and he felt Aki stiffen above him, magic hands freezing mid movement. When he said nothing Hiroto dared to turn his head slightly to look over his shoulder, almost pinching the older’s hand between his neck and shoulder as he did so. Aki was looking at him, a mixture of delight, desire and nerves all too clearly visible in his eyes. Hiroto realised right then that he wanted him, wanted more than the kisses and groping they'd shared so far.

He slowly twisted around so that he was lying on his back, the other suddenly straddling his hips instead. If Aki managed to miss the erection digging into his thigh Hiroto figured he'd have to find a new boyfriend. He unconsciously licked his lips as he let his hands land on the other’s knees and stroke upwards, sweatpants bundling beneath his palms as if to remind him he couldn't feel skin.

“Please,” he whispered when Aki didn't move his own hands from where they'd landed on his chest. For a moment he feared Aki didn't want to take it further, but just as he was about to ask the older leaned down and kissed him heatedly.

Hiroto was finally allowed to feel skin beneath his fingertips as he moved his hands from thighs to back, taking advantage of the fact neither of them wore more than sweatpants. He felt Aki’s nails, short and blunt, dig into his skin softly and the kiss deepened even more. Aki hadn't brushed his teeth, but Hiroto didn't even think about it as he clung to the other’s muscled shoulders and raised his hips in a wordless plea.

Sweatpants were pushed aside, first Hiroto’s, then Aki’s, leaving them both rather naked all of a sudden. Normally Hiroto wore underwear, which could not be said about Aki, but he hadn't put any on after his shower. When Aki curled slightly rough fingers around his erection he was not sorry for the fact.

The kiss broke when Hiroto’s head tipped back, breathy moans slipping out even as he bit his lower lip. “Why did we take so long to get here?” he asked mindlessly.

“No idea,” Aki mumbled, leaving open mouthed kisses all over the younger’s jawline and neck. His hand never stop moving, slow soft strokes that could never be more than teasing. It took Hiroto whining and thrusting up into said hand for things to move on, fingers to slip lower, lube to be produced from the bedside table. If Aki was amused by the half empty bottle he didn't say, a bit too focused, it seemed, on his task.

One finger became two, then three and Hiroto had no idea how long Aki took in preparing him. Too long and not enough, because it felt way better than he remembered. Rocking back on them slightly he forced his eyes open, realising he'd had them closed almost the entire time. He wanted to say something, beg for more, tell that he'd had enough teasing and foreplay, but his mouth was too dry and the words got stuck in his throat because Aki looked so pretty hovering above him, staring into his eyes in a way that would've been impolite in any other setting.

Another kiss, softer and less rushed, and Aki retracted his fingers, replaced them with something else. For half a second Hiroto considered condoms, but then Aki was pushing in and he felt like he'd lost his mind. Some breathy version of Aki’s name slipped out and his head wanted to tip back again, only to be stopped by pierced lips and a strained “Look at me”.

It was over quicker than Hiroto would've liked, too much emotion and build up causing him to tip over the edge after only a few minutes. Aki followed him quickly, his dark eyes slipping shut as he released with a silent moan, tongue flickering out as if to chase any pleasure breathed out. Hiroto pulled him down afterwards, hugged him close and breathed in the smell of sweat and sex mixed with sleep and just pure Aki.

“That was...” He didn't know what to say that wouldn't sound terribly cliché and ruin the moment completely.

“Yeah,” Aki agreed nonetheless and Hiroto could feel his silent chuckle against his skin. Slowly he pushed up and met Hiroto’s eyes again. “Let's not wait so long till next time.”

“I think I'll wound you if you even get out of bed today,” Hiroto said grinning and clenched his muscles just because he could. Aki faltered for a moment and moved his hips almost on instinct.

“I see no reason to,” he said, rocking his hips softly as he leaned down and stole another kiss. Hiroto didn't care if he'd have to survive the next day on painkillers and pure will.

\- - -

Weeks shifted to months and before Hiroto knew it he'd been seeing Aki for two thirds of a year. He realised one morning, sitting by his kitchen window with a large mug of tea, waiting for the painkillers to take effect. With the thought also came the recognition that he was happy, or more accurately that he hadn't been happy for quite a while before meeting Aki. Now he could admit to himself that he'd been lonely to the point where he felt abandoned even when in a crowd, like no one saw or noticed him at all. In the end he'd shied away and even stopped trying to gain any attention.

Everything changed, Hiroto thought, the day Aki put his arm behind him to make sure he didn't fall into the slushy snow. It didn't matter that they never went out to dinner or the movies, that Aki basically had no friends they could hang out with, or that Hiroto’s own were always too busy to meet them. Once he'd suggested they go to a club, a gay one where no one would care and they didn't have to hide, but Aki had muttered something about not being a very good dancer and Hiroto had laughed about how adorably embarrassed he looked.

The memory made him smile softly and he closed his eyes around it as he took another sip of tea. Very soon the sun would peek above the horizon, the sky was a fantastic display of pale blue and orangey pink, and he really should move before the blazing rays hit his eyes. The headache was bad enough as it was.

A soft creek warned him Aki had entered the kitchen, the sound coming from the threshold objecting to being stepped upon for some reason, and he spilt no tea in surprised shock when warm hands settled on his neck. Aki massaged his upper neck ever so softly, moved his fingers up to massage and scratch his scalp as well, and Hiroto relaxed as best he could. He knew, even before the older said anything, that Aki knew, there was no reason for him to be up and moving at such an early hour.

“Call in sick baby,” he said softly, barely even a whisper as to not upset Hiroto’s head further. “Then go see a doctor, this is getting ridiculous.”

There was worry in his voice which Hiroto tried to ignore. He knew Aki was right, his headaches were increasing in both frequence and intensity. It was starting to scare him slightly, which made him all the more reluctant to go get checked. Consistent headaches couldn't possibly be a good sign.

“Please,” Aki whispered even lower. “I'm worried about you.”

It was the best, perhaps the only, way to get him to agree and yet again Hiroto knew that Aki knew just that. He put the mug down and turned around, looked up at Aki just as he felt the first rays of sun against the back of his neck. The reflection on the off-white cupboards was enough to send a spike of pain through his head. He winced and decided then and there to agree, if nothing else then because he liked the way Aki’s warm eyes softened when he opened his eyes again and carefully nodded affirmatively.

\- - -

He didn't like the nurse who first introduced herself to him. To Hiroto it made sense that hospital employees should be friendly, considering people came to them for help when they were sick or hurt, but the middle aged woman in front of him looked and sounded like he'd just ruined her day by showing up at her desk. He got to explain his condition, how he'd suffered ever increasing headaches for the past six months or so, and she asked a few routine questions. At one point Hiroto asked himself if she was trying to tell him to go home, nurse his own goddamn hangover and get help for his presumed alcoholism. He came very close to leaving before she finally told him to sit down and wait for a doctor to be available. Then he almost left because the wait was too long and the general murmur mixed with crying children and pacing people in the waiting room brought on another headache. He had no one to blame but himself though, or so he figured as he hadn't called and booked a time in advance, and therefore he waited until his name was called.

From there on things moved rapidly. The doctor, a much more likable man than the nurse he'd met before, listened to his story, asked in-depth questions about his medical history, and looked more and more serious the longer they talked. Finally he put his pen down and quite bluntly stated he didn't like what he was hearing and wanted to do thorough examinations as soon as possible.

Hiroto was sent home with orders to come back first thing tomorrow morning and to not eat any breakfast before. Aki came over in the evening, one of the requirements Hiroto had made if he was to go to the hospital.

“What did they say?” he asked carefully, worry obvious in his eyes even as Hiroto could tell he was trying to hide it.

“That it didn't sound good,” Hiroto replied honestly, feeling less scared than he supposed he should. It all just seemed unreal to him. “I'm to go back tomorrow for further examinations.”

He tried to give a recollection of what the doctor had said, probably missing half of it because he'd forgotten or not understood it. Towards the end of it he began to wonder why he wasn't feeling scared, or at least worried, and looking up at his boyfriend he could see Aki was thinking the same. It was also easy to see Aki was worried enough for both of them, constantly biting his lower lip and pulling at his piercings.

“Do you think I'm stupid?” Hiroto asked finally, silence stretching out a bit too much for his liking after the story came to a stop. “I should be scared, right? These headaches are not normal and I should be scared because it could be something really bad and-”

Aki’s arms wrapping around his slim shoulders stopped the budding panic before Hiroto even realised it tried to sneak up on him. The older’s soft whispered words became a distant static behind the suddenly thumping headache, blood pounding in his ears making it hard to hear anything. Perhaps he murmured something about it into Aki’s neck, maybe the other simply knew and lead him to bed instinctively. They even stopped by the bathroom so Hiroto could splash some cold water on his face and neck and swallow two of the brand new stronger painkillers the doctor had given him.

“Don't go,” he begged when Aki made to leave him alone in bed. “Can you just, sleep with me for a little while?”

“Of course,” Aki said and slipped beneath the covers, jeans and all even though Hiroto didn't notice. Hiroto was pulled up against a strong chest but allowed to keep his head on the pillow since even hearing a heartbeat felt overwhelming. He wasn't sure if he fell asleep or actually passed out, but at least he didn't have to feel the headache.

\- - -

The following day found Hiroto pushed around half the hospital, nurses drawing blood and checking his blood pressure, doctors asking questions, prodding him with fingers and instruments, listening to his lungs and heart, before he was thrown into a CAT scan and told to stay completely still. Without food in his system the headache was guaranteed even had they not been the reason he was subjected to it all, and he wasn't even allowed to take anything for it until the examinations were completed. Aki had offered to come with him once he woke up, having slept through most of the day as well as the entire night. Lying in the scanner and told when he was allowed to talk and when to even hold his breath, Hiroto wished he'd taken his boyfriend up on the offer.

Finally the doctor, Dr. Nakashima, sat him down, papers, x-ray plates and what test results he'd gotten back already in front of him. Hiroto felt the same kind of eerie cold calmness from the day before seep into him at the look the man gave him. He knew, even before being told, no good news were coming his way.

“Just tell me,” he begged when the doctor looked like he was about to start apologising or ease into it gently. “Please, what's wrong with me?”

Perhaps it was the fact his voice didn't waver or that his eyes didn't tear up, Hiroto never learnt, but Dr. Nakashima turned one of the x-ray plates of his brain towards him and pointed to a prominent speck of white. Hiroto tried to swallow but it got stuck somewhere in the upper part of his throat.

“That's a brain tumour Mr. Ogata,” he said, straightforward like Hiroto’d wanted it. “It's what's causing your headaches.”

He didn't know how long he stared at the image. If Dr. Nakashima said anything he didn't hear it, but there was no static noise or rushing blood to drown a voice out, so perhaps he was given time to try and take in the information. The white blob didn't look all that big to him, definitely not dangerous, but all Hiroto knew about brain tumours was that people tended to die from them in movies.

“Am I dying?” he finally asked as he tore his eyes from the image and looked into Dr. Nakashima’s almost black but surprisingly gentle eyes. The doctor took a moment to reply, as if deciding on how much to give up, or perhaps simply how to phrase it.

“Yes,” he finally went it. “Unless you get treatment, a tumour like this is likely to kill you. You said yesterday your headaches began six months ago?”

Hiroto nodded. “At least that's when I began noticing them,” he said, voice still a lot stronger than he would've expected of himself. “They might've been there earlier, but I didn't think about it. In the past half a year or so they've gotten really bad.”

Dr. Nakashima nodded and made notes, asked some more questions before putting his pen down. “Mr. Ogata, is there someone I can call for you? It’s not good to deal with something like this on your own.”

For a moment he considered asking the doctor to call Aki, but then he'd probably have to explain that Aki was his boyfriend and he didn't want to out them without Aki’s permission. So he shook his head no and promised to tell someone as soon as he got home, to talk about it. Dr. Nakashima nodded slowly, not entirely satisfied with the answer or so it seemed to Hiroto, and picked up his pen again.

“I'm not a brain surgeon nor an expert on cancer,” he said. “But I have seen tumours such as yours before and I'm hopeful we'll be able to operate. I'll refer you to Dr. Ishikawa, he has spent his entire career specialising in brain tumours. You'll be contacted as soon as he has an appointment available, but it might be a few days.”

Hiroto nodded again, it seemed to be the only thing he was capable of doing, and mindlessly touched a finger to the white stain on his brain. Dr. Nakashima was clearly reluctant to let him go, but somehow Hiroto talked himself out of the hospital. He walked home slowly, mindless of traffic and it was rather impressive he avoided getting into an accident. It would've been quicker to take the subway but he wanted to clear his head, as ironic as the statement might sound. Not that there was a whole lot to clear out, he felt altogether too numb and detached to have received the kind of news he'd just gotten. _’Shock’_ a little voice at the back of his mind whispered and he assumed it was correct.

\- - -

When Aki came over in the evening Hiroto was curled up on the couch. He hadn't moved since he came home and when the cushion dipped as Aki sat down next to him every joint in his petite body complained from strain. Slowly he loosened the death grip he had around his knees and unfolded his legs, all of him squeaking and cracking in the process, before he leaned into Aki’s embrace and hid his face against the other’s neck. It felt like he'd been holding his breath till the moment Aki wrapped his arms around him.

“Somehow I take it the doctor didn't give you good news,” he whispered. He sounded scared, more so than Hiroto felt himself. He knew he should sit up, look his boyfriend in the face and tell him the truth, but it seemed easier to just stay somewhat hidden in the false safety Aki provided.

“I have a brain tumour,” he said simply, matter of factly as if it wasn’t a big deal even when he heard the other’s sharp intake of breath. “The doctor said he thought it could be operated, but he’s referring me to a specialist.”

“What if it can't be operated?” Aki was still whispering and his arms tightened around Hiroto. It was the question he didn't want to think about, the big ‘if’ that was all too real and all too scary. “Babe, what if they can't remove it?”

“I don't know.” He finally released himself from Aki’s hold and stood up, stumbled a little bit as a wave of headache and nausea rolled over him. A thread of fear was beginning to seep into his consciousness and he didn't like it, it was easier to simply not think about it. “Dr. Nakashima said the specialist, Dr. Ishikawa or whatever, would get in touch with me about a time to see him. I guess I'll know more after that.”

He already knew more, he'd been told his tumour would most likely kill him if he didn't get treatment, and what treatment was there for a tumour besides removing it? Sure there was chemotherapy and what not, he'd heard about it but hadn't really had a reason to look into the details, but cancer didn't miraculously go away on its own. Hiroto had been a dreamer as a child, but he wasn't so delusional as to think he could adopt an ‘out of sight, out of mind’ strategy and make it all go away. It might be out of his mind, but it wouldn't be out of his brain.

The painkillers he'd gotten the first time he went to the hospital were still in the bathroom and he went there to get some. He just wanted to sleep, not at all ready to deal with the consequences of the information given him. Nor Aki’s reaction to it, which seemed far stronger, and probably a lot more accurate, than his own. He didn't so much as look at the other when he moved on to the bedroom but his heart ached a little bit when Aki didn't join him. For a moment he feared Aki would leave, but when the drugs combined with the stress of the day finally pulled him down into dreamless sleep he hadn't heard the front door open or close.

\- - -

Aki was in bed with him when he woke up, a warm cocoon of safety wrapped around him from behind. The sob caught in his throat and Hiroto realised just how afraid he’d been Aki would up and leave in the middle of the night. He grabbed hold of the older’s arm wrapped around himself and tried to pull his boyfriend impossibly closer.

“I’m glad you're here,” he whispered, feeling the need to vocalise his thoughts and gratitude.

“Of course I am,” Aki said, voice low like he'd learnt to speak to spare Hiroto’s head but not hiding the slight offence at the suggestion he'd disappear. “I love you.”

It seemed he didn't think at all before saying it and Hiroto’s thought process shock stopped. He didn't know if it was minutes, seconds or moments before he turned around in the older’s hold, stared up at Aki who looked about as stunned himself. Eight months into their relationship they'd never said the words out loud. Hiroto didn't know if it was weird or not, but he hadn't realised he wanted to hear them until he did, perhaps even needed to just then. He knew Aki loved him, felt loved with all the things the older did for and with him, but to actually hear the words was better than he'd expected.

“I love you,” Aki repeated, stronger and more confident, obviously said after he'd had time to think them through. He pulled Hiroto into a tight hug and whispered against his ear, “And I'm not going anywhere.”

For the first time since Dr. Nakashima told him just how sick he actually was, Hiroto felt hot tears sting behind his eyelids. He buried into Aki’s neck, let the older hold him as he cried out his fears and worries, then cried more from the sheer pain the crying fit caused his head, and ended up crying harder still because that pain reminded him all over again he was dying from it. It was all a bad circle of pain and fear and he was too tired to stop the regrets beginning to crawl up on him. Things he hadn't done when given the chance, dreams he might never get to fulfill, everything he'd yet to discover he wanted to do in the first place. Aki held him close through it all, whispered things Hiroto didn't hear but appreciated none the less.

Eventually he fell asleep, too exhausted to be bothered even by the mind numbing headache. When he woke up Aki still had his arms wrapped around him and Hiroto finally returned the confession he'd been too out of it to say the night before.

It only took Dr. Ishikawa three days to contact him, but it was three of the longest days Hiroto had ever experienced. Aki stayed with him the entire time, calling in sick to work despite Hiroto’s protests to the matter. He didn't cry much after that night though, both because it hurt too much and because it seemed pointless. It was nicer to curl up with Aki and watch movies, volume turned down so low they had to use subtitles because they sometimes couldn't hear what was being said. They cooked, or at the very least ordered takeout, every day because Aki insisted he had to eat, that his body needed the strength more than ever. And they made love, even when Aki questioned if he had the strength to, because Hiroto needed to feel him close.

When the doctor finally called however, it was only to say that he'd gone over Hiroto’s medical file and the tests Dr. Nakashima had run. Dr. Ishikawa didn't want to say anything until he'd run more tests of his own, but he was happy to take Hiroto on as a patient and a week later Hiroto was back at the hospital yet again. He was really starting to hate the smell of antiseptics or whatever it was causing the typical hospital smell.

“Don't frown, baby,” Aki whispered, trying to be discrete even when he'd insisted on coming along. Hiroto was happy he was there, even when they'd agreed he'd stay in the waiting room rather than risk the questions that might follow if he was to be in the room. “You're here to get help, and he's the expert.”

They were meaningless words and Hiroto knew Aki was aware of it, but somehow they still helped the way words said by someone who cared always seemed to. Hiroto nodded and wished he could lean his head on Aki’s shoulder, it hurt and felt heavy, but he didn't want people to think they were more than friends. If anyone asked he'd say Aki was an old friend, someone who'd agreed to come with him so he didn't have to be alone. It was unfair they'd have to lie about their relationship, but both agreed it was for the best.

His name was called and he got to meet Dr. Ishikawa for the first time. He was older than Dr. Nakashima, salt and pepper hair thinning out around the temples, but he gave off a warmth Hiroto hadn't expected. Like he genuinely wanted to help. They had a long conversation about Hiroto’s headaches, when they started, how they felt and affected him, how they'd progressed lately, etc. Dr. Ishikawa drew more blood for tests and requested another x-ray for reasons Hiroto didn't fully understand. All he knew was that he trusted the man.

All in all it took the greater part of the day and he felt bad for Aki who was waiting in the lobby area. He hadn't had a chance to tell his boyfriend it was okay for him to leave, constantly tossed about and ordered around. In fact he hadn't even been allowed to have lunch and he was dead hungry by the time he finally slumped down on the chair next to Aki in the corner of the waiting room again.

“Tired?” Aki asked and placed a hand on his knee, a quick gesture that meant the world to Hiroto.

“Mhm,” he replied and yawned big. “But my head doesn't hurt! Dr. Ishikawa pumped me up on painkillers and gave me a new kind to bring home.”

He held up a big jar made of brown glass with a label full of text printed in such a small font it was barely readable. “I'm not allowed to take more than five a day, but they help!”

It was true, for the first time in what felt like forever Hiroto wasn't half blinded by his headache. He could still feel it, a sort of numb heavy feeling inside his head, but he could see straight and move around without nausea making him taste bile and spikes of white-hot pain shooting through his entire nervous system. Compared to what he’d lived with in the past few months it was like being well again. Sad how in less than a year you could forget what a normal life felt like.

Aki smiled at him, not quite as wide as the grin Hiroto could feel on his own lips but it was obvious he was happy about it too. The fear was still visible in his eyes though. Hiroto had seen it the first time shortly after he'd told Aki about his tumour. He assumed it'd been there the first time he woke up with Aki’s arms around him after delivering the news, but it'd taken him a while to see through the pain enough for it to register. It made him feel guilty, making Aki worry about him, and it was slightly scary, a constant reminder of the severity of the situation. Yet at the same time it made him feel good, less lonely, because it proved Aki cared what happened to him, and that felt good.

“Come on,” he said lowly and nearly took his boyfriend’s hand before remembering they were in public. “Let's go home. Right now I feel like I could watch a movie and actually hear the sound effects for once.”

The older nodded and stood up, nibbled on a piercing and Hiroto knew he wanted to ask something so he nudged him in the side. Aki took the hint.

“Are you going to tell me what the doctor said?” he asked as they crossed the lobby and walked out the hospital doors. “I haven't been able to eat all day cause I've been worrying about you.”

“I haven't been _allowed_ to eat all day,” Hiroto pointed out and pulled out his phone. “Let's call in an order to the Thai restaurant on the corner, we'll pick it up on the way. Then I'll tell you once we get home, okay?”

Any protest Aki might've planned to put up died the moment his stomach growled loudly. “Okay fine, I want the yum pork salad then.”

He laughed as Hiroto called in the order, getting massaman curry with tofu for himself, and twenty minutes later they picked it up as planned. There wasn't a lot of talking getting done as they wolfed down food like two teenagers starved for weeks, constantly stealing little bits and pieces from each other too. It was light and fun and exactly what they needed to relieve some of the stress built up during the day.

But as they curled up together on the couch after dinner, Hiroto having taken a second painkiller because it'd been nearly four hours since his last one, the mood dropped slightly again. Aki wrapped his arms around the younger’s body and repeated his question from before, words whispered into Hiroto’s hair. Hiroto wished he could ignore them, but he knew he owed Aki the truth.

“Dr. Ishikawa says the location of the tumour is promising,” he began. “From his experience there shouldn't be a problem in removing it, but brain surgery always poses a risk. He also said it sounds like the tumour is growing pretty fast, since my headaches have gotten so much worse in the past few months.”

“But you'll be okay?” Aki didn't sound scared, or in any way different from how he always sounded, as he spoke. But the fear shone brighter than ever in his eyes.

“If I have the operation I should be,” he answered honestly, because he'd never lie to Aki about something as important.

“And if not?”

“Dr. Ishikawa couldn't say exactly, but he said six months to a year would be a good guess.”

There was no need to specify what would happen in six months to a year if he didn't have surgery. Aki hugged him closer and Hiroto buried his nose into his boyfriend’s neck. He smelled good, natural since he was avoiding any strong scents, another sacrifice made to spare Hiroto’s head.

“You need to have the surgery,” Aki said after a few long moments of silence. “I don't care if it's dangerous, not having it means giving up.”

Hiroto sighed and sat back, met Aki’s eyes and knew it wasn't a question. It wasn't an order either, but Aki would do everything he could to make him go through with it. And he would do it, because now he had something worth fighting for.

“I will,” he promised out loud and took Aki’s hand, felt his boyfriend squeeze his fingers in return. “I will.”

Aki smiled and pulled him into a tight hug, whispering his thanks and promises of support into his ear without letting go.

\- - -

Dr. Ishikawa was a busy man, but the kind who only took on as many patients as he could deal with at a time. Hiroto had been lucky, a prioritised case appearing just as Dr. Ishikawa got an opening in his schedule. They met two more times, for further tests and evaluations, before scheduling an operation. Hiroto was slightly dazed over the pace of everything, but Dr. Ishikawa said the tumour was currently of a size that he could operate on and they didn't want to risk it growing any larger. If it did there would be need for treatment to try and shrink the growth before removing it with minimum risk, and there was no telling if such a thing would succeed.

Aki accompanied him every time, saying he didn't care if he got fired in the end because Hiroto was more important. He still stayed in the lobby every time, but Hiroto appreciated the gesture and found strength in the knowledge Aki was in the same building. It was nice to be able to sit down next to him and share a few words, hold his hand for a few seconds even, between the tests and the talks. They kept it discretely, trying to pose it off as close friendship and nothing more, and though it was tiresome it was still better than not having Aki there at all.

“Mr. Ogata,” a nurse called out to him from across the waiting room. “Dr. Ishikawa would like to see you for a few minutes before you leave.”

With a minor sigh and a whisper of “Hang in there” from Aki, Hiroto got up and walked to the by now rather familiar room. At least it smelled better than the hospital in general, fresher and less sick, and without the overbearing antiseptic smell. Dr. Ishikawa was behind his large desk and the look in his eyes was concerned in a way that made Hiroto uneasy.

“Mr. Ogata, please sit down.”

“Is there something wrong?” Hiroto asked after following the invitation.

“I wanted to go over your symptoms one more time,” Dr. Ishikawa explained. “To make sure we're not missing anything.”

He read through the list they'd put together before; the headaches, the nausea, the fatigue that had at one point turned into insomnia only to go back to extreme fatigue. Hiroto confirmed all of them and couldn't really see the point of the meeting when Dr. Ishikawa put the paper back on his desk.

“Are you sure we're not missing anything?” he asked. “It's important we have it all covered so that we are prepared for any situation that may occur.”

“No, that seems to be all of it,” Hiroto said. “If there's anything else linked to it I haven't thought of it.”

Dr. Ishikawa nodded slowly and made some kind of mark on his paper, like a doctor in an old movie Hiroto thought.

“The nurses say it seems like you've been talking to someone in the waiting area,” the doctor said. “Is that right?”

Hiroto swallowed nervously but knew he couldn't lie about it. “Yeah, a...friend of mine, his name is Aki.”

“How long have you known each other?” Dr. Ishikawa asked and it didn't seem like he suspected they were anything more than friends. “He must be a good friend if he's accompanying you on these visits.”

The praise, unintended as it was, made Hiroto smile and he nodded. “He is. I've known him for almost a year, but we've become really close quickly.”

“I see,” Dr. Ishikawa said and the wrinkle between his eyebrows made Hiroto think he might've said too much. He'd never been good at keeping the emotions out of his eyes, so maybe the doctor had seen how he really felt about Aki when he spoke of him. “Do you think Aki would meet me? Maybe he has noticed something you have missed yourself?”

It sounded like a reasonable request, but Hiroto couldn't quite shake the feeling that something was wrong. Nodding he excused himself and went back to the lobby. Aki rose to great him and Hiroto desperately wished he could've gotten a hug.

“Are you ready to go?” Aki asked.

“No,” Hiroto confessed and hated the way Aki’s face dropped ever so slightly. “Dr. Ishikawa would like to meet you.”

“Me?” the older asked, clearly surprised. “Why?”

He explained how the nurses had seen them in the waiting room and Dr. Ishikawa’s hopes Aki might've noticed something Hiroto himself had missed. It was a better chance than the doctor knew, considering the two of them had practically lived together for the past months. Hiroto decided then and there he'd ask Aki to officially move in with him once he'd come through the surgery and recovered enough to think about the immediate future.

Together they walked back to Dr. Ishikawa’s office and Hiroto held the door open for his boyfriend. “Dr. Ishikawa, this is Ichiki Akihito. Aki, this is Dr. Ishikawa.”

It was easy to tell that something was wrong with the way Dr. Ishikawa stared at Aki and his brows furrowed even more. Hiroto, not knowing what to do, pointed Aki towards the second chair in front of the desk, the one he'd always assumed were for the sobbing wives, nervous parents, or whomever happened to accompany the unlucky cancer victim to the doctor’s appointment. Up until now it'd always remained empty during his own sessions.

“Dr. Ishikawa,” Aki said and bowed deep to try and ease the sudden tension. “Thank you for what you're doing for Hiroto. I'm not sure how much I can help, but I'll do my best.”

When the older man didn't reply he glanced at Hiroto nervously before taking a seat. Hiroto didn't know if he was more shocked or confused over Dr. Ishikawa’s behaviour, the man had always been perfectly polite towards him and anyone else Hiroto had ever seen him talk to. But he walked over to the other chair and sat down next to his boyfriend, still refraining from taking his hand even when he wanted to.

“Is there something wrong, doctor?” he asked and tried not to bite his lip.

“Hiroto,” the older man said and Hiroto knew something was wrong because Dr. Ishikawa had never called him by his first name before. “Is your friend currently sitting in the chair next to you?”

More confused than ever Hiroto tried to answer something, but all he could do was look between his doctor and boyfriend and nod in obvious confirmation.

“I wish there was an easy way to say this,” Dr. Ishikawa said and turned his full attention to him, ignoring Aki in a way that could be considered nothing but rude. “There are only two people in this room Hiroto, you and I, and there is no one sitting in the other chair.”

Hiroto stared at the man for a moment or two. Then, not knowing what else to do at the ridiculousness of it all, he burst out laughing.

\- - -

It took a long time for the information to sink in, for him to realise Dr. Ishikawa wasn't trying to raise the mood with some failed joke but was in fact deadly serious. A nurse, one Hiroto had met several times and trusted as far as hospital personnel went, had to be called into the room to confirm that there was only one visitor in the room, Mr. Ogata Hiroto.

And then he panicked, fear far greater than he'd felt at the knowledge he had cancer filling him up until all he could do was deny the words and block the possibility. Dr. Ishikawa saw and didn't try to force more out of the day, merely begged him to come back the following day once he'd had time to process the idea. Hiroto barely listened, convinced he couldn't get out of the hospital fast enough and that he'd never return as he tried to stay composed on his way through the hallways and lobby area. He knew he was being rude, walking into people, little short of shoving them aside to get past, and he wasn't sure if he wanted to listen to the footsteps he could hear walking behind him.

Whether Aki wanted to spare him the embarrassment of talking to thin air or if he was simply too shocked to react right away, neither alternative making any sense, he waited until they were outside the hospital before grabbing hold of Hiroto’s elbow. A sob, all the emotions he refused to let out, got stuck in the younger’s throat and he tried to shake the other off, but Aki held on tighter.

“No, let me go,” he whispered wetly, little short of a plea. “Just, please... I need to get home.”

The fingers holding on to him tightly, a very real grip he could most definitely feel, slipped away and despite himself Hiroto spun around, for a moment afraid Aki had disappeared. It wasn't true, couldn't be when Aki so clearly stood on the sidewalk not ten feet from him looking lost and confused, scared even.

“Can I come with you?” he asked lowly and Hiroto nodded before he had time to think. He didn't want to be alone.

They walked all the way back to Hiroto’s apartment even though his head was pounding by the time they reached it. He swallowed two painkillers at once, not caring if they dulled the pain, put him to sleep, or slowly killed him just then, and flopped down on the sofa. His head landed in Aki’s lap and for the first time ever he felt himself freeze up at the physical contact his boyfriend provided. That was, until he realised Aki’s hand, hanging in the air just above his forehead, was shaking.

“Do you think it's true?” Hiroto barely head him whisper. “Am I... not real?”

It sounded wrong, surreal, _ridiculous_ , yet Hiroto couldn't brush the question off the way he wanted to. Tilting his head back slightly he met Aki’s eyes even when his own vision still swam a bit from the pain, caught the other’s hand and brought it down to kiss his palm. Aki had soft hands, except for the pads of his fingers which were slightly calloused for reasons Hiroto realised he'd never asked about. He had funky fingers, all crooked and funny looking. There were too many details to his hands alone for him not to be real.

“You are real,” he said and looked into Aki’s warm brown eyes, suddenly so sad and confused. “I can see and hear and feel you, so you must be.”

“But Dr. Ishikawa said... The nurse, she-”

“I don't care!” he cut off and groaned slightly as the outburst sent white-hot pain through his skull. “I don't care, they're wrong, it's just... It doesn't make sense.”

He curled in on himself, closer to Aki’s warm body, stomach rising and falling with his breath and the dull thrum of a heartbeat deep inside. The hand not caught in his own began to card through his hair softly, massaged his scalp in the way that always seemed to help best against his headache, and Hiroto wished he had the energy to cry. He didn't want to think of Dr. Ishikawa’s troubled look or the one of complete confusion on the nurse’s face, both their assurance Hiroto was the only visitor in the doctor’s office. But his mind wouldn't shut off and he kept thinking back on the past year, the time he'd spent with Aki. How they'd never hung out with other people, that he'd never been to Aki’s workplace and they always spent the night in his own tiny flat. It hadn't seemed strange before, but lying there trying to fall asleep Hiroto realised there was not a single person who could assure him the man he'd fallen in love with did in fact exist.

\- - -

They woke up on the couch, Hiroto only to realise Aki was already awake. He always seemed to be. But he was there, a solid form beneath his cheek and his chest hurt at the idea none of it might be real. Aki saw it in his eyes, that he was thinking it, like he always did. So many things that'd always seemed right suddenly seemed suspicious, potentially wrong, and Hiroto hated himself for questioning it all.

“You should go see Dr. Ishikawa,” were the first words out of Aki’s mouth.

Hiroto shook his head. “We should.”

For the first time ever they almost argued, Aki not seeing the point of him coming along and Hiroto needing him to. He hated the way Aki already seemed to have accepted the idea when Hiroto definitely wasn't ready to admit he might be forced to. But eventually the older agreed to accompany him once more, even let Hiroto hold his hand as they walked from the metro to the hospital. When he tried to pull away in the lobby, standing in front of the reception disk as Hiroto asked if it'd be possible to see Dr. Ishikawa without a booked appointment, Hiroto held on and refused to let go. No one seemed to notice or care.

\- - -

Dr. Ishikawa agreed to see them on what should've been his lunch break. Hiroto could still feel Aki’s finger in his, warm skin on warm skin, as they entered the office, and unlike all the people in the waiting room Dr. Ishikawa threw a look at their intertwined hands. Hiroto swallowed and almost remained standing, but Aki nudged his wrist slightly and he moved forward to his regular seat. Aki again took the one next to him, but only after a pointed look.

“I wasn't sure you'd come back,” Dr. Ishikawa admitted, leaned forward on his elbows and if hunger troubled him he didn't show it. “But I'm glad you're here Mr. Ogata.”

Hiroto finally looked up to meet the older man’s eyes. “You say Aki's not real,” he began and skipped politeness altogether. “How come I can see him sitting next to me, hear him speak and feel him touch me?”

For a moment Dr. Ishikawa seemed to ponder how to proceed, which tactics would be best to use and Hiroto didn't know where he found the patience to wait it out. All he wanted was for his doctor to tell him he was delusional and that no one had claimed Aki wasn't real, the man was sitting right there beside him. He had a feeling he would be told he was delusional, but not in a way that would benefit his case.

“Are you aware brain tumours can cause hallucinations, Mr. Ogata?” Dr. Ishikawa finally asked, and when Hiroto nodded slowly he went on. “It's not too common and not something I'd suspect with a tumour located such as yours, but it happens and hallucinations can vary greatly between people.”

He heard Aki’s sharp intake of breath as the information was absorbed and closed his eyes to not risk looking at his lover, wished he could close his mind to the words thrown at him. All too soon he had to open them again though, or risk being subjected to more truths he didn't want to believe in.

“You're saying Aki is a hallucination?” he said, voice thick with emotions he would not let out.

“That would be my conclusion yes, I'm sorry to say it,” Dr. Ishikawa agreed. “With the way you're avoiding looking at the chair next to you, I imagine Aki is sitting in it?” Hiroto nodded weakly and tried to swallow around the lump in his throat. “How long did you say you've known Aki?”

“A little under a year,” Hiroto managed to reply. Dr. Ishikawa picked up his pen and opened Hiroto’s file, asked if he could be more specific.

“Ten months,” Aki whispered next to him, apparently unheard by the doctor. “It's been ten months since we first met, give or take a week.”

Hiroto didn't want to look at him but he did anyway, and what he saw in Aki’s eyes, the understanding and the pained acceptance, nearly broke his resolve not to cry as he relayed the information to Dr. Ishikawa.

“I understand if it's hard to take in and accept,” the man said, “but this is very important information Mr. Ogata. It means your tumour appeared earlier than we expected, could indicate it's been growing slower than we assumed. All physical tests remain the same though, and I'd like to go through with our scheduled operation.”

Something clicked in Hiroto’s mind at the words and he had no idea what emotions his eyes threw at Dr. Ishikawa as he turned to face the man. His voice portrayed a lot of fear when he spoke at least.

“What will happen to Aki if I have the operation?”

He knew the answer even before it was told to him. If Aki was a hallucination caused by the brain tumour, a symptom of his cancer, then...

“If we successfully remove the tumour,” Dr. Ishikawa said, and the sympathy on his face looked more real than Hiroto would've imagined, “all symptoms of it should disappear. Including your hallucinations.”

Without thinking Hiroto reached out and grabbed Aki’s hand and squeezed it hard, desperate to know his lover was still there.

\- - -

“You need to have the surgery,” Aki whispered three days later.

Somehow they'd managed to go three full days without mentioning the doctor’s appointment. Dr. Ishikawa hadn't tried to have a further conversation after his statement, realising perhaps that Hiroto wouldn't take in a single word more. Aki had been mostly quiet ever since, and Hiroto hadn't questioned it since he knew it'd result in talking about things he'd prefer to ignore. But the way his lover, real or not, pulled away hurt. Hiroto needed him more than ever, and he hated the way he had to fight for every scrap of attention and closeness. Irony had it Aki chose the night Hiroto had finally managed to fight his way into the older’s lap to bring up the subject.

“No,” he said firmly. “I don't want to have it. Not if it means losing you.”

For the first time in days he felt Aki’s fingers comb through his hair and it was the best feeling he could imagine. It was real, it had to be, because he could feel the soft tugs on his scalp and the soothing feeling it brought in its wake.

“Hiroto...” Aki sounded sad yet determined and he tugged on his hair until Hiroto turned on his back, looked up at his lover with eyes free of pain thanks to Dr. Ishikawa’s magic painkillers. “You need to have it. You'll die if you don't have it!”

“ _You_ will die if I _do_ have it!” Hiroto exclaimed and sat up, tried to ignore the sudden pulse of sharp pain shooting through his head and the tears burning behind his eyelids. He couldn't think of Aki gone, of losing the only person who had seen him for who he really was, the person he wanted to be.

Aki pulled him into a tight hug and Hiroto went willingly, buried his face into the older’s neck and inhaled his calming scent. The world had become fucked up, confusing, and too much to handle. He wanted to go back to a year ago, when he was lonely but not hurting. Only it wasn't an option, because it meant never having met Aki and Hiroto wouldn't trade the past year for anything.

“I will die no matter what,” his lover whispered sadly, obviously not liking the thought. “If Dr. Ishikawa is right, then I die when you do. But you... you can live even if I don't.”

He didn't say that he could not die if he'd never been alive in the first place, but Hiroto thought it and he was pretty sure Aki did too. A hallucination was not real, had never been born and therefore didn't have a real life to speak of. Aki could disappear, be cured like a symptom of a disease, but he could not die because he was not alive.

“Can I?” Hiroto asked honestly, pulled back enough to look at his lover and felt the first tears roll down his cheeks. He didn't want to cry, not when he hadn't before. For some reason it made him feel weak.

“Yes you can,” Aki assured and Hiroto leaned into the kiss he offered. It sounded too final for his liking, but for once he felt like he understood Aki as well as Aki had always understood him.

He allowed himself to be pulled down on the couch and kissed deeply. Aki’s hands moved over his body, on top of clothes at first but eventually dipped beneath. A burning sensation too real to ignore, intoxicating and so heady he couldn't stop even when his head and mind alike were hurting. He allowed Aki to pull the shirt over his head, caress him all over and drown him in physical pleasure. When hands dipped beneath his sweatpants, the only type of clothing he’d worn for days, Hiroto groaned and pushed closer.

A broken sob was caught between them and he didn't quite know who'd uttered it. Not that it mattered when clothes were pushed aside and skin allowed to touch. Hiroto was on top, unusual but not wrong, and Aki carefully prepped him. There was a bottle of lube beneath the couch, left there long ago in one of their less serious more heated moments, and Hiroto somehow found it for Aki to make use of. One finger, two, three, until he was able to push inside with barely any friction at all.

It was at the same time slow and desperate, a need to feel and a goodbye they didn't want to acknowledge. Aki seemed to have accepted he was not real, that his time was up and so he should make use of the time he had left. Hiroto was not willing to make the same acknowledgement and so he clung tight until the orgasm shook his body and he felt, _felt_ , Aki come inside him.

“You need to have the surgery baby,” Aki repeated, a broken plea once he found his voice again.

Hiroto didn't look at him as he nodded, face buried in Aki’s neck with short strands of sweaty black hair tickling his temple. He knew he had no choice, the surgery was only two days away and Dr. Ishikawa would want his answer. It hurt, destroyed the sated happiness he should've felt lying in his lover’s arms, but he whispered his agreement onto Aki’s skin.

It was the first and the last time Hiroto ever saw the older cry.

\- - -

The day before the surgery he sat in front of Dr. Ishikawa again. He'd called the day before to confirm that yes, he would go through with it. Dr. Ishikawa, while pleased to hear so, had asked him to come in for a final assessment to ensure Hiroto knew what he was getting into. He did, he was setting himself up for a loneliness far worse than he'd felt a year earlier. At least that was what it felt like as he sat before the older man.

“Alright,” Dr. Ishikawa said. “Then we have an understanding. No solid foods twenty-four hours before the surgery, no drinks six hours before. Do you have any last questions, Mr. Ogata?”

“No, but I have a request,” Hiroto found himself saying. It wasn't something he'd thought about or planned, but something Dr. Ishikawa had said during one of their first meetings suddenly popped into his head out of nowhere. “I don't want to be awake.”

Dr. Ishikawa paused in his movement, as minor as they'd been, and the nurse by the door looked up from her papers. Even Aki, seated in the chair next to him as always, looked shocked.

“It's preferable if you are-” the doctor began, but Hiroto interrupted him.

“No, I won't be awake when you... when you...” He looked to the side, met Aki’s gaze and bit back the tears he refused to cry outside his own flat. “I can't be awake.”

From the corner of his eye Hiroto saw the nurse shake her head, but he appreciated the fact she didn't snort at least. It must seem so strange to people, that he cared so much about someone who wasn't even there to anyone else but him. But they weren't important, not now.

“Alright Mr. Ogata,” Dr. Ishikawa finally said. “We'll arrange for you to be fully anaesthetised during the procedure. It is preferred for the patient to be awake, but considering the circumstances I'll allow it. However, I want you to sign a document saying the surgery is done with anaesthesia on your request. It is hospital procedure when protocol is not followed.”

Hiroto agreed without hesitation and waited for the nurse to find the proper paperwork. He spoke some with Dr. Ishikawa, but mostly he just sat quiet until he could put his name down on a dotted line and leave, feeling like he'd signed away part of his soul.

\- - -

They spent the evening curled up on the couch doing nothing. The TV remained off and they didn't eat, Hiroto because he wasn't allowed and Aki because he didn't need to. They even left the lights off and allowed the flat to fall into a gloomy darkness before Aki finally asked him to at least light the candles on the coffee table. Perhaps they should've talked, Hiroto felt like he should say something but he didn't know what. So they spent their final hours in silence, curled close and focused on feeling the warmth of the other’s skin.

When Aki nudged him awake hours later, dawn barely creeping over the horizon, to tell him it was time to leave Hiroto didn't feel like they'd wasted the night.

\- - -

He didn't cry until he was in the hospital shower, ordered to scrub himself from top to bottom yet again with the sickly smelling sterile soaps he'd already been using twice a day for three days straight. Aki had joined him because Hiroto begged him to, not seeing what difference it'd make if imagined hands touched him or not. When the tears began to drop off his nose he wasn't so sure anymore.

“Don't cry baby,” Aki whispered and hugged him close, ran soap slick fingers up and down his spine in a soothing manner that only had Hiroto crying harder. “Please don't, you need to do this.”

He held him close until Hiroto managed to calm down, but he didn't move out of Aki’s embrace for long moments still. Finally a nurse had to ask if he was alright, because the team was waiting to complete the preparations for the surgery. Hiroto announced he'd be out in a minute or two and looked up at Aki as he did.

“I'll stay with you until you fall asleep,” the older promised, eyes emotional but devoid of tears.

“I'd rather you be there when I wake up,” Hiroto whispered and hugged him, skin to skin with water cascading over them. “Promise me you'll be there if you can, don't make me wait.”

Aki nodded easily. “I hope I won't be, but if I can I'll hold your hand when you wake up.”

It was the best promise he could give and Hiroto knew it. Screwing his eyes shut around the fresh tears he pulled Aki down into a long kiss, the last one he'd ever get if things went well, and stepped out of the shower. The nurse glanced at the clock but didn't say anything in favour of moving on, and all too soon he was rolled into the theatre.

The only thing Hiroto liked about it was that he'd be half seated in a chair during the operation. It left his hands free and Aki wasn't late to hold his right one. People ran around them, spoke to him and to each other, but Hiroto only looked at Aki. He must've replied to the anaesthetist verbally because he couldn't nod his head, and then the world was slowly blurring out.

He saw Aki, his gorgeous face and the near black eyes so full of love and sorrow. Watched the pierced lips move in what looked like a confession, but Hiroto didn't hear it.

\- - -

At first he didn't know where he was when he woke up. The walls were bright white and sunshine filtered in through gauzy curtains. There was an annoying beeping to his left and he thought he could make out an IV drip above him, even if it was blurry. Slowly the memories came back and he looked down at his hands. They were empty, as was the room. Hiroto could so vividly imagine Aki standing by the window, how the sunlight would reflect on his silver piercings. But this time he was imagining it, and he knew it.

The door opened and Dr. Ishikawa walked in, alerted by some silent alarm or by pure chance Hiroto didn't know. It was near impossible to tell when his doctor was surprised and when not.

“It's good to see you awake Mr. Ogata,” the man said. “Are you feeling alright?”

Hiroto tried to nod but quickly changed his mind and replied out loud instead. His throat felt dry and raw though, and Dr. Ishikawa helped him drink a bit from a cup with a straw in it. He then looked at some monitors, flashed a blinding light in Hiroto’s eyes, and nodded satisfactorily.

“I'm pleased to say the surgery went without complications,” he said. “We were able to remove all of the tumour with minimum intrusion on your brain.”

“I know,” Hiroto said sadly, too tired to be physically upset even when his insides were already burning with longing.

Dr. Ishikawa caught on quickly and that look of genuine sympathy returned. “Your friend?”

Hiroto dared shake his head no then, not sure he could verbally confirm that Aki was gone. Like a child he wanted to think it wasn't real until he said it was.

“I'm sorry Mr. Ogata,” Dr. Ishikawa said honestly. “Do you want something to help you sleep longer, it will do your body well.”

He agreed and went back into a blissful dreamless sleep.

\- - -

It felt like an eternity before he was allowed out of bed. Hiroto didn't know why he wanted to get up so badly, it wasn't like he had anything waiting for him. Dr. Ishikawa made him see a therapist at the hospital, saying it'd do him good to talk about everything that'd happened. The therapist, a woman by the name Kanae, in turn forced him to call his parents and finally inform them he was in the hospital. She didn't seem impressed he'd ‘forgotten’ to tell them earlier, and Hiroto found his mother was in perfect agreement.

They came to visit him, and it did feel good to see them, get hugged for real and talk to people who knew him. But once they went home the longing for Aki was even worse. Kanae wanted to talk about him, and slowly she made Hiroto see the sacrifice Aki had made for him. Hiroto even told her Aki had been his lover, and she earned his full trust when she didn't ridicule him for it.

Slowly he healed, physically and emotionally, and eventually he was released from the hospital and allowed to go home. Kanae had warned him it'd be hard to do so, because it'd remind him of Aki, and she was right. But Hiroto also saw things more clearly, how there truly were no traces of Aki in the apartment whatsoever. It hurt, knowing his mind had played him so fully, but he closed his eyes and remembered what Aki had told him.

_”You can live even if I don't.”_

\- - -

A year went by faster than Hiroto would've thought possible. He kept going to see Kanae, who refused to let him call her by anything but her first name, and he quit his job. It was not what he wanted to do and so he began working at a small coffee shop instead. Books lined every wall of it and Hiroto was allowed to read any one of them between serving customers. As such he got to meet people, made new friends, and got a chance to hang out with his old ones once he invited them to come try the coffee or tea. He still missed Aki, but he was moving on.

Perhaps that was why he didn't know what to make of the small man stumbling down the stairs in the early afternoon one day. He was almost as short as Hiroto himself, had a head full of dark unruly curls Hiroto had no idea how an Asian managed to create, and was absolutely gorgeous behind the large bruise covering half his face. One eye was swollen shut, but the other was pitch black as it glared up at Hiroto.

“What?” the man snapped. “You don't serve people unless they look pretty?”

“Then I'd have to serve you,” Hiroto replied before thinking and bit his lip as he blushed crimson. “I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-”

An amused chuckle cut him off and he dared to look up again. The man was smiling at him and it was a breathtaking sight to say the least, enough for Hiroto to almost forget the nasty bruise.

“Are you okay?” he asked and motioned for the black-eye.

The man shrugged, causing the black hoody to fall off his shoulder but he seemed to wear at least two more layers beneath it. He pulled his fingers, adorned in rings and bracelets rattled around his wrist as he did, through his hair and hissed slightly in pain when the discoloured skin moved.

“Yeah, a reminder not to hit on straight men,” he said and shrugged again. “Now can I get a coffee?”

Hiroto was stunned but nodded and took the order, completed it and brought it to the man. He confirmed the other couldn't smoke in the café, too many books that could catch fire, and tried to get back to work but found his eyes constantly wandering to the stranger. He looked like Aki, Hiroto thought. Not exactly alike of course, but like they were the same type of people, could've been friends had Aki been real. He still missed Aki, but more like a dull ache in the centre of his chest than the all consuming pain it'd been right after the surgery.

The bell above the door dinged and Hiroto found one of his old, and gay, friends walking down the stairs. Shou was tall and beautiful, but not in a way that attracted Hiroto. The older made for a great friend though.

They exchanged pleasantries and Hiroto gave him a hug, having grown very affectionate in the past year. Shou wanted a coffee to go, forever on his way from one project to another, and Hiroto quickly prepared it for him. The older was just about to walk out when Hiroto grabbed his arm and in a whispered voice asked if he could see the man at the back of the coffee shop.

“The tiny one curled in on himself and hidden behind a curtain of hair?” Shou asked softly, adding details to show that yes he could indeed see the man. Shou was one of the few people Hiroto had told about Aki. “I can see him, and if he has caught your eye I suggest you go over there and talk to him.”

Hiroto smiled and hugged him tightly, whispered his thanks and saw his friend out. Then he turned around and hesitantly walked to the table at the far back. He licked his lips nervously and cleared his throat, blushed slightly as the lone black eye turned his direction. The man smirked at him.

“I was wondering if you'd find your balls and come over,” he said and picked up a sugar cube only to place it in his mouth.

“Is it... okay if I sit down?” Hiroto asked and motioned for the other chair.

“Only if you're gay,” was the somewhat unexpected reply. “I've had enough of straight men for a while.”

He gestured towards his bruised face and Hiroto swallowed, because it looked beyond uncomfortable. Still, he took a seat and met the appreciative look the other gave him.

“You dare go around and say you're gay even when you got beaten up for it?” He said it like a question even when it wasn't.

“Of course, I can do whatever the fuck I want, including being gay.” He sucked loudly on the sugar cube and Hiroto’s eyes were drawn to his lips. They were bitten badly, but spread in another smirk. “I'm Kenzo.”

Hiroto looked up to meet his open eye again. Nerves fluttered in his stomach and for a moment Aki’s face flashed before his eyes again. But it faded and left way for Kenzo’s, equally pretty and even more perfect behind the bruising. Or so Hiroto imagined.

“My name's Hiroto,” he said and decided he wanted to know for sure what the other looked like. “And yes, I am gay.”

It was the first time he said the words out loud in public. Hiroto had to admit it felt good to be honest about himself. Kenzo smiled at him and asked if he could have another coffee, because he suddenly had an urge to stay a little longer.

**Author's Note:**

> I cried just reading through this trying to correct mistakes. And I seriously want to see this turned into a movie...


End file.
